"Wouldn't You Know It" is a radio show and podcast hosted by freelance reporter and admitted conspiracy theorist Rick Valassi. Described by Rick himself as "the tri-state area's favorite [and probably only] pirate radio podcast," the show features Rick's personal insights, observations, sourced reporting, rumors, and the occasional interview, mostly about the goings-on around New York City; it provides a semi-informed civilian's perspective on the events and entities of the game. Rick also plays some music on the side.

These podcasts can be heard from a boombox in any safe house (and certain civilian havens in the Underground), and the episode heard at anytime is somewhat randomized, although moving to another boombox in the same game session (e.g. moving from safe house to safe house) will typically play the next episode in sequence. During a Global Event, Rick typically hosts a live interview with a Joint Task Force liaison in the studio to get additional information; the interview is different with each event.

Episode Transcripts Edit

Episode 1- The Green Poison Edit

Welcome back. I'm Rick Valassi and you, you lucky bastards, are listening to "Wouldn't You Know It". 

And if you're listening, you really are a lucky bastard. You apparently won the genetic lottery and can't catch the Green Poison like 95% of the rest of humanity. Oh no, you had it good. You got to sit around eating bonbons, watching people you love wither and die and get wrapped in hefty bags and dumped in a mass grave with no funeral or gravestone or nothing.

Yeah, we got a golden ticket, didn't we?

It's like the fucking 80s all over again.

But what I wanna know is this: The Green Poison. Where'd it come from? Some yuppie scum millennial helicopter mom refusing to give her kids a goddamn measles shot? I wish. I hate those morons. 

But this ain't measles, and that ain't the way the world works. And it ain't Ebola or Marburg. It didn't evolve in bat shit some monkey ate before some idiot ate the monkey. No. 

I'll tell you where it came from: It came from a lab.

This is some designer shit, people. Somebody cooked this up on purpose. And maybe it got out by accident, or maybe they let it out on purpose.

But either way, if you don't think the federal government is involved in some fucked up way or another, then a) you don't have my sources, and b) you've been comatose for the last 60 years. Because God knows there ain't no advantage for people who love power in a situation like this, right? Nah. Never happened. 

Wake up, New York. Open your eyes! Think.

Episode 2 - Directive 51 Edit

You're back with Uncle Rick and "Wouldn't You Know It" podcast and pirate radio.

Now everybody knows about the JTF, right? The Joint Task Force. That's like the cops and the firefighters, EMTs, National Guard, reservists, doing what they can to keep some semblance of civic order. Keeping things from totally falling to shit. Nothing but respect for those folks. And like the puppets say, those are the people in your neighborhood. They're us.

But. They ain't the only ones out there.

You ever hear of a little thing called National Security Presidential Directive 51? No? You wouldn't have. Not the sort of thing they put on the front page of the Post. No, Directive 51 is more o' your basic secret government takeover type deal to provide what the spooks refer to as "continuity of government."

Doesn't sound so scary, does it? Until you find out how it works, which is they got clandestine government agents embedded among us, and when Directive 51 goes out, those agents get activated.

Our government has sleeper cells in our own goddamn country. NSA types who look and sound like you and me, until their "On" switch gets flipped.

And then what? They start rounding people up? Putting them in camps? Executing us? I don't know, but the thing is, nobody knows. 

I mean, martial law is undemocratic, but at least it's transparent. Who these people are, what they're up to, it's all so top secret that even the president probably doesn't know the details. Plausible deniability, folks, plausible fucking deniability. 

Home of the free? My ass.

Episode 3 - The Rikers Edit

Rick Valassi, constant listener, coming at you once again with "Wouldn't You Know It."

Hope folks are holding up okay in your neighborhood, or containment zone, or whatever the hell they're calling it this week. Only chance we got is if we all come together on this. Help each other out. We're New Yorkers. That's what we do. Remember that, 'cause we're gonna be tested.

Bad enough some idiot thinks a time like this is nothing but a golden opportunity to steal shit. And I don't mean food or medicine, I'm talking about stuff they don't even use. I mean, who the fuck needs a goddamn flat screen right now?

But it's about to get worse.

Apparently, the screws of the jail on Rikers Island are either dead, or they gave up and went home. 'Cause word on the street is the doors are open. The inmates are loose. And they're pouring across the river into the city even as we speak.

Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not saying everybody in there is an axe murderer. Most of them are waiting on trial for possession. Hell, even I spent a night or two in there in my youth. But look, the harmless ones are gonna head for home. It's the hard time hardcore we gotta worry about. Those cats? Gonna take some serious advantage of things. 

So stay safe out there, New York. Keep your doors locked. And if you see any of those Rikers people? Steer clear of them, you hear me? 

Be smart. Be smart

Episode 4 - The LMB (Last Man Battalion) Edit

New York, New York, you are listening to Rick Valassi and "Wouldn't You Know It", the tri-state area's favorite pirate radio podcast. Probably it's only pirate radio podcast.

Now, we've talked about the JTF, the Joint Task Force that's made up of city cops and first responders. They've made a pretty big difference in a lot of neighborhoods since this whole crazy mess got started. But just like food, water, sanity, and clean underwear, the JTF are a handy resource we just don't got enough of.

And you know what they say: nature abhors a vacuum.

And my sources tell me somebody's trying to step into that breach. Somebody military. I'm talking PMC, people, Private Military Company types who got sent into Manhattan to protect the rich folks' stuff and found themselves trapped here with the rest of us.

So, did they pitch in and play nice? Hell no! These Last Man Battalion oobatzes and their CO, some knucklehead named Bliss, decided Manhattan died and made them king. And since they got guns and the tanks and their shiny uniforms, they're taking their nickel-and-dime fascist bullshit to the streets—our streets. And if you're in their territory and don't play by their rules, you're screwed.

And by the by, you listen to those loudspeaker trucks that loudmouth Bliss keeps running up and down the streets? It's pretty clear he's thinking bigger than just Manhattan.

So, if you see anybody in fatigues and Ninja Turtle gear, you let me know! We got a fire in the line, New York. You stay safe.

Episode 5 - The Cleaners Edit

Hey, New York, it's your Uncle Ricky.

We need to talk, 'cause I'm afraid I'm starting to lose it.

This shit I'm hearing? Well, let's just say it sounds more like something out of an airport paperback than real life, and no, I cannot believe I just referred to our present state of post-biological-terrorism apocalypse as "real life."

Okay. So, I have not been able to confirm this firsthand, but I have reports of groups of people in containment suits roaming the city with flamethrowers burning any and all evidence of virus contamination. Properties, bodies… Green Poison's been there, they're lighting it up.

Yeah, I hear all sorts of theories on who's responsible. Some say city workers, like, I dunno, Sanitation or something. I also heard government scientists, like the DCD cleaning up its mess.

These nutjobs are apparently covered head to toe in HAZMAT gear with homemade flamethrowers. Nuh-uh, maybe it's fucking aliens. At this point, I'd believe anything.

Yeah, I know how it sounds. Like I've been saying, paranoia is the only sane response to the last few weeks. I'm trying to chase down something concrete, and when I do, you'll be the first to know about it.

Just keep your eyes open, N.Y.C. And remember: just because you're paranoid don't mean they ain't out to get you.

Episode 6 - The First Division Wave Edit

Good morning, New York. Or evening. I can't tell, and to be honest, I don't care. It could be 4:00 AM, for all I know.

What I do have is a little more info on that Directive 51 stuff.

So, remember I was talking about the sleeper agents embedded across America, all thanks to the ultra-classified Directive 51 signed by the president? Turns out some of them have already been activated, and were secretly supervising the initial treatment operations.

You remember that lovely cattle pen they sent sick people to? And nobody ever came out? Well, when the shit hit the fan in there, all the agencies bugged out: JTF, National Guard, everybody. And the sleeper agents? Your guess is as good as mine.

Now these people are what the directive refers to as the "First Wave." Why'd they call them the first wave? Because they got a second wave embedded right behind them! That's right, New York! You thought the fun was over, but no! You get a whole new bunch of faceless government overloads to deal with.

And the best part is, you don't even know who they are. They could be your neighbor, your coworker, your cousin, your brother-in-law, your fucking grandmother, for all I know! Hell, you could be one yourself and not even know it. That's how deep they're buried.

Sleep with one eye open, New York. 

Episode 7 - The Divison Edit

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. New York City, from East Hudson and Bronx to Queens, and all the garbage scows at sea. Except Staten Island. You're not a real borough.

Rick Valassi here again with "Wouldn't You Know It."

I keep trying to convince myself this is all just paranoid delusions. I'm not succeeding, New York. I am not succeeding.

Some of you out there have been asking me to find out the name of this sleeper agency activated by Directive 51. From what I been able to find out, it's so secret they just call it The Division.

Which, I have to say, seems appropriate. I mean, I don't know what good it's supposed to do. It certainly didn't save us when the Green Poison hit. The only thing it's good at is making us wonder who among us is secretly a sleeper agent, turning us all against each other, dividing us. That's the beauty of this super-classified bullshit. We all start suspecting each other while the East Village burns. 

Yeah, the Division seems pretty damn good at that, America. Fuck yeah.

Episode 8 - Dark Zone Pt.1 Edit

Calling all cars, calling all cars. You're listening to with "Wouldn't You Know It," the pirate radio podcast for paranoid insomniacs.

I'll tell you what, New York. Let's get dark.

Now, I know what you're saying. "Get dark? Jesus, Ricky, you're usually such a glass-half-full kinda guy." I know it's hard to believe, but some of you know what I'm talking about. The Dark Zone.

The Dark Zone. It reminds me of those 19th-century maps of the British Empire. The ones where the interior of the second-biggest continent on the planet just said "Here be dragons." Nobody knows exactly what's there. Nobody sane would go in to find out.

Here's what we do know about the Dark Zone: We know they locked up a bunch of sick people in there. We know the folks trying to keep the peace, trying to treat the sick, trying to maintain at least some vestige of order were forced to run for their lives. Because order could not be maintained. The center would not hold. 

We know they left those who couldn't leave. Left them to fend for themselves.

Who remained? Who swarmed in to take advantage? Who, if anyone, controls this unmapped terra incognita, the deepest, darkest island within our city? 

All of this is shrouded from our vision. For now, we see through a glass, darkly. Now, we know nothing. And what keeps me awake at night is: What if the glass is a mirror?

If anyone listening out there has any information or first-hand knowledge of what the fuck is going on in the Dark Zone, you let me know. As for the rest of you: welcome to the jungle.

Episode 9 - Dark Zone Pt. 2 Edit

New York, this is Rick.

Sorry, I'm not feeling real glib at the moment.

So, I went uptown. Decided to have a look for myself at this Dark Zone. What I have to report ain't hearsay. I saw it with my own eyes.

First off, the wall is still there. It's gotten bigger. There's now concertina wire up on top. In December, they were saying it was to keep the sick folks separated from everybody else. Now? Now I think they just don't want anybody to know what's going on inside.

So. Over the wall, I could see bodies. Not many live people. Place feels almost deserted from the outside. But there's bodies everywhere: on the streets, hanging off the walls. Signs of struggle. Bullet holes. Blast shadows. Burned out windows and doors. 

I think when the authorities pulled out, the sick people tried to, uh… I don't know. I'm sure they were desperate.

Now it's… quiet. I don't mean peaceful. It's anything but that. It's a ghost town, but not empty. Just… haunted. It feels like a place that's dead and fucking angry about it.

It was some scary shit.

New York, what's happened to us?

Episode 10 - The Rioters Edit

N.Y.C., N.Y.C.! I'm Rick Valassi, and this is "Wouldn't You Know It." And if you're listening to me, you're not just a survivor, you're a masochist. 

You know, I put my faith in my fellow New Yorkers, because if there's one thing we know how to do at this point, it's help each other get through a crisis. But apparently, some folks missed the memo.

Yeah, I was down at Chelsea today, and what did I see? People breaking into places, sure, people looting, but worse than that: People beating people up. People beating people unconscious. People shooting people and then taking their stuff. And not even stuff they need. 

I saw a guy in a ski mask with a hunting rifle follow a mom lugging her kid and a suitcase like he was tracking a goddamn deer. And when he got close enough, he didn't say a word, he just raised his fucking rifle and shot her point-blank in the back of the head. Kid is screaming and crying. Ski Mask ignores him and starts going through the case right there in the street. Pulls out a couple of things, some jewelry, crap like that, then turns around and walks off. Leaves the kid bawling his eyes out over his mom's dead body. Yeah, I guess I ought to be glad he didn't shoot the kid, too.

Look, I know it's been a fucked up last couple of months, but is this what we are now? After 9/11, we pulled together, helped each other out. Now we're hunting down unarmed mothers in the street, just on the off chance they might have something we want?

New York, what's happening to us?

Episode 11 - Infection Numbers In Major Cities Edit

Heard about Houston, New York? Heard about Detroit? Heard about Pittsburgh, PA? 

And not that we haven't had our hands full here – we are the epicenter, after all – but it's probably fair to say we've been so preoccupied with making it through the grindhouse flick we're in, we just assumed the rest of the world would be there waiting for us at the end.

Not. So. Fast.

New numbers released today on the DCD website look shitty. Boston. Philly. Chicago. Atlanta, San Francisco, and LA. Infection numbers are through the roof.

You got martial law being enforced by state and national guards in every city in America. Interstate trucking disrupted, food's not getting delivered, food riots daily across the country. Hospitals are overloading. No emergency services, 'cause the first responders have left to go help in bigger cities, like ours. Power grids up and down, just like that.

So, what's my point? My point is, you're like me. You've been telling yourself the world you know is waiting for you on the other side of this mess.

But here's the thing. What if it's not?

Episode 12 - Where Is the Government? Edit

You are listening to Rick Valassi and "Wouldn't You Know It," the best, if not only, paranoid pirate radio podcast in the tri-state area. So you got that going for you, which is nice.

So, folks have been asking me about the federal government, what the state of things is, et cetera. Basically wanting me to reassure them somebody is still in charge. But I can't. 

I mean, are there provisions for "continuity of government" in a crisis? Sure. Realms of classified documentation? Yes. Top-secret mountain fortresses impregnable to any attack with a conventional nuclear biological? You bet!

The question is, is it working? Is it functional? Are there still people running the federal government, and if so, who, and where, and are they answerable in any way to the people in the republic for which they stand?

I mean, we all know what they're telling us. We see the video footage. We download the official statements. But let's be clear. Their top priority is to keep us calm while they try to figure out what the motherfuck to do about all this, 'cause in case you ain't been outside since Turkey Day, the one thing we can be pretty goddamn sure of is they really haven't nailed it down so far.

Not that I blame them. It's such a fucking mess out there, I'm amazed we haven't all turned into cannibals yet. Yet. 

Just give it time.

Episode 13 - West Side Piers Edit

West Side Piers is where it’s at these days. The DCD, the JTF, all the alphabet soupers over there trying to get things up and running. Good luck to them says I, because that part of town is total, bughouse nuts.

Hello, New York. It’s your favorite pirate radio broadcast, slash podcast, slash maniac with a loudspeaker standing on his rooftop yelling at the pigeons, Rick Valassi, and this is “Wouldn’t You Know It.”  

Now I don’t know what you know, but I know what I know ain’t much. What I hear though, that’s a different matter. And what I’m hearing is that people been seeing some weird crap over on the west side. 

What kind of weird crap, you ask? I’ll tell you. I’m talking guys in hazmat suits walking the streets with Rikers’ inmates, LMB guys patrolling with same. Now, last time I checked, these guys would shoot or flame broil each other on sight. If they’re getting along, either lions are about to start laying down with lambs without putting lamb chop on the menu, or things are about to get seriously weird around here.   

You know where I’m putting my money.

Episode 14 - Aaron Keener Edit

Hey New York, it’s Rick Valassi again with “Wouldn’t You Know It,” because it’s not like I got anything better to do than talk at you. You know what I’m saying? I like to think I’m providing a public service, educating the masses. Or, maybe just keeping a few of you entertained while you wait for whatever the hell fate’s gonna throw at you next. 

Any of you lovely ladies and gentleman heard of a cat named Aaron Keener? If not, you should have, ‘cause he’s part of the reason we’re in such deep shit. A big part. 

You remember I told you about the First Wave, yeah? Well, he was part of it. Government trained killer and deep-cover agent turned loose on the city because, hey, it seemed like a great idea at the time. Word on the street is that he’s still on the loose. Been spotted by a reputable observer on West 46th Street. The bogeyman is real, people, and the government made him. And he’s trapped in here with us. 

But here’s another thought, let’s say you’re the government, let’s say you screwed up bad, and you let this superbug loose from Plum Island, or wherever you were cooking it up. Wouldn’t it be the most convenient thing in the world to have a rogue agent you could pin this thing on? Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us the whole thing was his fault. Or, that the next big one will be. 

How’s that for paranoid, people? Just you wait. Any day now we’re gonna hear about how dangerous this Keener guy is, and how he’s got to be stopped before he turns the next big one loose. 

Mark my words, that’s what’s coming, and you won’t know who to believe.

Episode 15 - Vitaly Tchernenko Edit

Hey there, New York, you know who this is. You better know by now or I been doing this for nothing. And have I got a doozy for you today.

Once upon a time your Uncle Rick told you a story about how Green Poison got made in a lab. How some government freak cooked it up for whatever reason and it got loose or got turned loose. And you all laughed and called me a conspiracy nut, which to be fair I kind of am, but that ain’t the point. 

What is the point is that I got a source in the JTF, and he told me they’re going balls to the wall looking for some Russian scientist named Tchernenko. Now why would they be doing that, you ask. Well, it turns out if you look this guy up, he was a world leader in genetic manipulation of viruses and crap. And he’s Russian. And he was in New York when all the shit went down. 

What does it mean? I'm not saying nothing. I’m just saying that where I sit, I can paint a picture and it’s not a pretty one. If this cat is on the loose in the city, we could be in for a rough ride. “But Rick,” I’m hearing you say, “what if this guy is just an innocent bystander? What if he doesn’t have anything to do with this? What if he’s just some happy go-lucky schmuck who just happened to specialize in this stuff and be in New York when his theories got put into play for realsies?”

Well guess what? Even if this guy is a frickin’ saint, it doesn’t matter. What’s in his head is some of the most dangerous intel on the planet right now. And if someone wants to crack open his skull and see what’s inside, there’s plenty of candidates for the job. Think about what this guy knows. Think about what he knows how to do. Think about what someone with bad-ass intentions might do with that.

So stay safe New York, even if the rest of the world doesn’t want you to be.

Episode 16 - Chares Bliss Replaced Edit

Hello again, New York. It’s time once again for “Wouldn’t You Know It,” the premier conspiracy podcast and pirate radio station broadcasting out of midtown Manhattan. You don’t like it, you’re welcome to start your own. Yeah, I could use some competition. It’s hell winning the ratings every week when winning also means coming in last, if you know what I mean.

Today, you’re gonna get  yourself a little science lesson. Nature abhors a vacuum. That’s because vacuums suck! But, never mind that. The thing is, if there’s a gap, something or someone, is gonna try and fill it. It’s a frickin’ law of physics, you can’t stop it even if you want to. 

And my sources have been telling me that the Chuckles Bliss shaped hole at the top of the LMB has been filled. Don’t know by who, yet, but the guys in the snazzy khakis are taking orders from someone again, which could be bad news for the rest of us.

You know, in a weird way, I kind of miss Bliss. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the world’s a better place without that guy in it. But hey, those speeches he kept rolling out on the loudspeaker trucks were good for a laugh. And a guy who takes themselves that seriously is always a good target for a loudmouth like me. But, I guess we’ve got the Division to thank for getting rid of him, not that they did it out of the goodness of their hearts or nothing.

Remember, the enemy of my enemy may start pointing the gun at me once the other guy is dead.           

Episode 17 - Weather Control Edit

Up and at ‘em, New York. This is Rick Valassi telling you it’s time to get out of bed, face the day, and do the very best you can. Or don’t. It doesn’t make no difference to me if you stay in bed all day so long as you keep listening. In any case, once again, this is “Wouldn’t You Know It,” and I am, once again, your host. 

What I want to talk to you about today, is the weather. I know, I know, it’s cold and shitty. But doesn’t it feel like it’s been cold and shitty forever? I mean, nevermind calendars because who’s got one of those anymore, right? But doesn’t it feel like this cold weather has lasted forever? Like, way longer than it should’ve? 

I’ve got a theory about that, and I know, you're going, “Yeah, Valassi, you’ve always got a theory.” But the thing is, how often am I right? And the answer is, too damn often. So hear me out. 

I’m thinking that, maybe, just maybe, the government’s a little further along in their weather control program than they like us to think. There’s a little project up in Alaska called HAARP, that if you believe some people, is all about weather control. 

Now let’s think for a minute, you wanna make it easier to lock down the city, keeping the weather cold, and nasty, is one way to do it. You get sunny and seventy-eight degrees all of a sudden folks are gonna feel a little more frisky. So, you keep it cold, and people want to stay bundled up and in-doors, and there you go. Crowd control courtesy of the weather. It sounds crazy, I know, but times like this, crazy’s all we got left.

Episode 18 - Does The Green Poison Lab Still Exist? Edit

You wanna hear a good one? Me, too. But all I got is this crap. New York, this is your Uncle Rick Valassi here with “Wouldn’t You Know It.” Bringing you all the news that no one else will print. Not that anybody’s printing nothing these days, it’s just a figure of speech. Jesus, if I gotta explain that I’m really starting to go as bughouse as people say I am. Pull it together Valassi! You got people depending on you! God help those poor saps, whoever they are.

Anyway, what I got for you today, is a rumor. One of those sneaky, nasty, bad rumors, that people don’t like to share. More the kind that gets passed along in whispers, in private conversation, when people are talking about, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” 

Yeah...I hope you braced yourself, ‘cause here it is. The word is, and I’m hearing it from sources from all over the West Side, is that not only was the Green Poison bug grown in a lab, but that the lab still exists. That the tools for making another one of these monster diseases are still out there somewhere. That someone, for whatever reason, could, if they wanted to, do it again. 

Now, let’s run down the list of maniacs running around the city at this point. Got the LMB, we got the escapees from Rikers, we’ve got the guys in hazmat suits, we’ve got the JTF, and we’ve got these government no-name types from the Division. Oh, and that’s not counting runaways and renegades and mad scientists, all of whom we seem to have in abundance. 

How many of them, do you think, would have the know-how to make another super-bug? How many of them would have the will? How many, would be ready to start this little slice of hell, all over again? If you do the math and you come up with any answer bigger than zero, then you need to get scared, real scared. And if you do the math and zero is what you get, you’re living in a dream. 

Valassi out.

Episode 19 - Chemtrails, I hear you say? Edit

Chemtrails, I hear you say? Whatta they got to do with anything? Besides, there haven’t been any in ages. To which I, Rick Valassi, your estimable host say, “Ah-ha! Gotcha!” 

Now, if you’re a so-called rationalist, you say, “Hey, that one’s easy. They’re no contrails getting laid down because there’s no planes going anywhere these days. No plane, no contrails, no chemtrails.”

Easy as that, right? But if your thinking processes are a little more suspicious, you start wondering. You say to yourself, maybe all those chemtrails you saw right before the Green Poison hit, were getting us ready for this thing. And once it happened, they didn’t need to spray anymore. And that one fits the facts just as much as the other theory does. Maybe a little better, so don’t tell me I’m crazy, or a conspiracy nut. 

I am a conspiracy theorist, because in order to survive in this insane world that somebody cooked up for us, I have to be. Taking what people tell you at face value, that is a sure way to get yourself killed in the new normal. Hell, I don’t even want you taking me as gospel. 

Question everything. Find your own truths. And when you do, bring’em back to me so I can share them with the wider populace. ‘Cause anything has gotta be better than the official line of crap they’re feeding us. 

Episode 20 - Rick's jonesing for a cigarette Edit

Listen up New York! Rick Valassi here once again with “Wouldn’t You Know It,” the city’s premier source for whatever it is I can come up with in between scrounging for food and trying not to get my ass shot in the streets. You want better? You’re welcome to go and try and find it. In the meantime, I’m whatcha got. 

And now that we got that settled, let’s take a minute to talk about a topic near and dear to my lungs. Specifically, what I’m putting in them, or I ain’t. Which is to say, cigarettes. I was a pack-a-day guy when this all got started, but like a lotta you, I’m guessing, I had to go cold turkey real quick. And it sucked. And it sucked worse because of everything else that was going on. But with people dying all over the place, it didn’t seem like it was the time or the place to bitch about needing a puff or two.

Still, you’d think that there was still one smoker on the outside who’d tuck a couple of packs into the supply drops. But it ain’t happens. Now, I hear you say, “Rick, it’s more important to include food and medicine.” But jeez! All those thousands of supply drops they’ve done. All of the packages they’ve dropped on our heads, and not one pack of smokes! They send cartons of dessert cakes, for Christ sake, but no smokes!

And that makes me wonder, maybe the reason they’re not sending any smokes isn’t because it’s more important to get us technologically advanced hand-held fruit pies. Maybe, the reason they’re not sending any is that there aren’t any left to send. That there aren’t enough people out there to keep those particular pieces of machinery humming. And that the government’s already picking and choosing who gets to do what, based on essential needs. Yeah, I’m not saying that that’s the way things are. But I’m saying, that’s the way things could be. And I am definitely saying that I’m absolutely fucking dying for a cigarette here! 

If you’re holding, see if you can spare one cancer stick for your Uncle Rick, would ya? Thanks.

Episode 21 - Dead Bodies Edit

Hello, Manhattan and points beyond. Rick Valassi here with all the news that fits my mood to print, or you know, talk about. Because print is dead, or so they keep telling me. Lots of dead things around here, so print’s got some good company, you know what I’m saying?

Anyway, moving on to one of my least favorite subjects. We need to have a serious conversation about dead bodies. CERA did what they could for as long as they could — which meant  digging up every park they could find, because that was the only open ground around. Seriously, you want cemeteries, you go out on the island. You ain’t gonna find a whole lot of places where a shovel’s gonna do you any damn good in Manhattan, no sir. 

So, they went out to the parks, and they dug their mass graves and they dumped as many bodies in as they could. And don’t give me no shit about disrespect for the dead. People were dying faster than they could haul the bodies away. No time for funerals, no room for headstones, no nothing. Just dig a hole and drop in the body bag. Simple, basic, and you can build a memorial later, assuming there is one. A “later” that is, not a memorial. Jesus, feels like half this island is a memorial sometimes. 

Ah, but where was I? Right...yeah, dead bodies. The thing is, not all those bodies made it to the holes. Some of the graves just weren’t big enough. Sometimes there were too many bodies. Sometimes the guys who were supposed to be delivering the deceased just fucked off and left a truckload sitting in the street. And I’m thinking, the bill’s gotta come due for that sooner or later. I mean, one of these days it’s gonna warm up. And then what? Maybe the guys in the hazmat suits have the right idea, just burn everything. 

But if we don’t come up with something, we’re gonna have a hell of a problem on our hands once it gets a little warmer around here.

Episode 22 - There's Always Some New Schmuck Edit

So here’s something a friend of mine, who did three tours in Iraq, told me. You knock off a hostile leader, all you’ve done is given everyone under that guy an instant promotion. Which is another way of saying, you never get rid of the leaders on the other side because there’s always some new schmuck ready to step up and take the last guy’s place. Which brings us to New York, present day.

Now I know a lot of you were all happy and shit when word got out that Colonel Bliss was dead, because he’s the head yahoo of the Last Man Battalion. And sure as shit, once he was down, the whole thing was gonna to fall apart, right? Well, not so fast there, Spartacus. You know what happened when Bliss got popped? His second in command stepped up and started giving the orders. Functionally, not a damn thing changed. Unless, of course, you want to consider Bliss some sort of tactical genius. And between you and me, the evidence for that particular theory is a little thin on the ground.

Ain’t just the LMB, though. Five bucks says, heh, heh, like five bucks says anything these days— five bucks says the other guys have done the same thing. Which means they’ve still got someone making decisions. Still got someone giving orders. If you thought they were gonna curl up and die just because the boss got tagged, you got another thing coming.

Episode 23 - Getting Outta Here Edit

Hello there, kiddos, Rick Valassi here with another installment of "Wouldn’t You Know It". And today I wanna talk about something near and dear to all our hearts, which is to say, getting the fuck outta here.

Now, I am not going to do this. I have no desire to get my ass shot by some jumpy Montessori crossing guard that joined the JTF and got handed a rifle. But it’s an interesting intellectual problem, don’t you think? All the time we’ve been here and nobody’s made it out? Not one. I find that curious.

At first glance, leaving the island might seem impossible. You can’t swim off, that’s for dead sure. The water’s too damn cold and it’d kill you quick. Can’t sail out, either, every boat’s been confiscated, smashed, or somethin’. And they still got Coast Guard patrols out there. You can’t fly out, unless you got wings. ‘Cause last I checked, helicopters had a nasty habit of getting blowed up whenever they flew over here. And there’s no way down the Lincoln Tunnel with supply vehicles because they’re way too heavily guarded. Oh, and scratch the subway and maintenance tunnels, JTF’s got them blocked off. Yeah, I’m surprised they haven’t filled them with concrete.

So, how, if I were so inclined, would I get outta here? The answer’s obvious people, it’s people. Sure, everything’s blocked off if everyone’s doin’ their jobs. If the river patrol’s always watchin’, and the guards on the tunnel run don’t take bribes. But the real world doesn’t work like that. People get sloppy. People get bored. People get greedy. People figure, “Just this one time what’ll it hurt?” And one time turns into two, and five, and ten. Which means, if I were gonna try to get off Manhattan, and you heard it here first, no way in hell am I tryin’, I’d look for the people who make the weak link. The JTF guy who wants a little somethin’ more than he’s gettin’, the checkpoint guard who takes a nap on the job. Find those people, and take advantage of them. And you’ll be off the island in no time.  

At least, that’s the theory. We’ll see if I’m right. If one of those deficient creeps stops by with a sternly worded warning, telling me to stop inciting bad behavior, or alternately, a bullet, either one would prove me right, don’t ya think?

Episode 24 - Be Kind To One Another Edit

You ever think about what’s gonna happen when all of this is over? I let myself daydream once in a while because, really what’s the harm? 

Rick Valassi here, your old friend with, “Wouldn’t You know It.” And I been doing some thinking. And brace yourselves ‘cause today’s message is gonna be a little different. 

Sooner or later, the virus is gonna burn itself out, and we’ll have to start picking up the pieces. Could be tomorrow, could be next week, could be a year from now, who knows? I sure as hell don’t. But whenever it happens, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. And when it does, I want you to do something for me. If this broadcast has meant anything to you, if it’s gotten you through a long night when you just needed to hear a friendly voice, or if you agreed with something I said, hell, if something I said got ya so pissed off that you got up on your hind legs and fought a little harder to survive because you were so damn mad, if any of that rings a bell, then there’s something you gotta do for me. And what it is, it’s simple. 

When all this is over, however it turns out, I want one thing from you, and one thing only. I want you to be kind to one another. Every face you're gonna see belongs to someone who went through hell. Everyone you're gonna meet has lost someone, maybe lots of someones, maybe all their someones. And the last thing we can afford to do is start the same old shit all over again.

Valassi out.

Appearances Edit

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.